Painful in my heart!

I write my feeling on this blog, cuz i know no one can read it... I dont like to show up my feeling to someone who i dont know , but i dont like to write to my freneds who i know as well, that will make gossip on my head...
I dont have this love feeling for a long time. I do my best to control that cuz i m scared that i will get hurt again and again. I m not confidence on this relationship. I dont know why. He tried nice to me. I feel very happy to be him. Sometime I was wondering that is truth or not. I asked myself why I was scared on my heart. Sometime i can feel he has feeling with someone else on internet who live in Japan, but i cant find out who. That is my problem, cuz i dont understand Japanese. I have this strange feeling for a long time, sometime i told myself dont think too much, sometime the feeling suddenly show up... I was very down last nite. He asked me question about if my bf have sex wtih somone without feeling, or he has feeling with someone who has no sex, he asked me which one i will forgive that. I wont forgive both. cuz i know that is suffering between us. I was crying last nite, in my deeply heart, i can feel he has someone else,, even he sadi no,,, why relationship is hard to keeping good and longer.... why he has many tempatation on the website....
I waann pray how can I keep this relationship as longer as i can,, if he really good to me, i wanna to be with him forever, but if he has someone else, i would like to run away, even i know it is too hurt and hard in my heart... short pain is better than longer pain
God tell me he is my future man or not... how can i deal with him....
God teach me how can i do?
i feel very down today...... sigh.. why i make myself like that..
hope he can read my mind... hope he really loves me...